Not sure my meds are working…

One of the things I’m finding most difficult since being diagnosed as Bipolar is that I’m no longer sure where I end and the illness begins.

My entire reference point, in terms of my day-to-day emotional state, seems to have been lost.

Do I really not love my husband any more or is it the meds?  Or is it the illness? Or is it because I have genuine reason to feel pissed at him?

He’s a “good guy”.  He’s not prone to deliberately treating me badly.  At least I don’t think he does?  See what I mean? 

The only thing I’m sure of is that I’m not sure of anything just now.

The only difference the antidepressants have made is that I haven’t felt the urge to kill myself since they upped my dose.

In that sense the drugs are working in as much as they are, arguably, saving my life.

lifesaver

But they have yet to succeed in allowing me to live.

For all my moments of small victories I still have days when I cannot summon the will to get out of bed, or wash, or eat well.  My agoraphobia is no longer constant but I do have days where I “put off” going to the shops or visiting friends because I’m “too afraid”.

Normal activities like playing with my kids or paying bills on time are regularly beyond me.

I seem to be swinging through marginally dulled emotional cycles of elation and melancholy.  I still have evenings where I want to go out, party all night and fuck strangers.  At other times I think I will never desire sex again. Ever.

I have moments where the reality of my current money situation is ignored in favour of a quick “buy me” fix.

I’m apparently unable to regulate my drinking beyond total abstinance or utterly legless.

My memory is shot to shit, my vocabulary is suffering.  Honestly… it actually took me a good ten minutes to remember the word “vocabulary”.  How’s that for irony?

My sleep cycle is all over the place.  I’m fluctuating between needing ten to twelve hours at a time to being unable to sleep for more than four.

Worryingly I actually thought (albeit briefly) that the TV was sending messages in morse code because there were two programmes on within the space of an hour with a lot of swear words bleeped out.!!!!  That scared me.  It was only brief but that’s not right yeah?

In between all this I have these moments of clarity and in some ways they are the scariest.  Because it’s at these points that I look at myself and think…

“shit, I’m still pretty fucked up aren’t I?”

I’ve taken quite a bit of “time out” the past few days and it’s occurred to me that I probably need to go back to my GP.

I don’t know if any of the UK bipolars out there have any advice for me on this on the negoitating our fantastic mental health services.

I’ve been assessed by the psychatric consultant but at the time (and probably now) I wasn’t considered to be seriously “at risk” and so, I’m assuming thats why, my care was passed back to my regular GP doctor.

But given that I’m still suffering symptoms that I feel are interfering with having some kind of “normal” existence

(and by that I mean the prospect of getting back to work at some point, the prospect of being able to cope with everyday stuff like bills and shopping normally and sleeping regularly)

am I expecting too much from the drugs?

Do I need to go back to the consultant?  I’m presuming they know much more about what kind of drugs might help me out of where I’m at than my GP.

Should I just be happy to still be alive or is it realistic for me to expect some sort of normality to return? 

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6 Responses to “Not sure my meds are working…”

  1. hotsandybeaches Says:

    I like your blog. You inspire me. Added you to my sorry-little blogroll. Just started my blog.

  2. Mo Says:

    Oh shit! I’m late and I’ve got loads to write in this tiny little box and I’ll never remember all that was in the last three posts. Fek!

    Right Mrs P… here goes.

    The things you mention like sloth… I mean no motivation or energy… lethargy, agarophobia, excessive drinking, absolutely crap memory. Well as far as I’m aware these are all par for the course when you are very depressed (or I’ve got something else wrong with me!) and yes it can constantly vary. You can have a good day when you feel OK… next day you’re lying numb in bed wishing you were dead. So yes, you may need your meds reviewed.

    You should ask to see the shrink again (or come over here and see the Pirate!). I’m sure his letter to your GP would have said “If I can be of any further help to Mrs P, please do not hesitate to contact me”. Christ, I have to face the Pirate every two weeks. When I refused to go my GP said he wasn’t allowed to monitor bipolars, it had to be a mental health team (but he could have been lying). So ask to see the guy again.

    This business about what is me and what’s the illness is a bummer. I don’t have a clue about this question. I look back and wonder was I really that lively, witty, confident guy… or was I hypomanic. Is this miserable sod I am now the real me? Dunno.

    And finally!
    Does Mr P still love you?
    Well my lady, I remember very recently a young lady telling us about a karaoke night where she staggered home in the early hours of the morning and spent the day in bed with a hangover. Now is it that strange that Mr P would like to reciprocate by going out for a wild night out?
    Another one of the joys of depression is watching your self esteem head off for the south pole. Nobody understands, you feel isolated and unloved. How could anybody love you?
    Put the GP and psychiatrist on hold. I might be wrong but I’m guessing Mr P is the most important thing in your life and is the one thing you must hold on to. Speak to him, tell him how you’re feeling and try and sort things out for the better. Now is certainly not a time to be making serious decision… ffs… anybody that thinks the TV is sending morse code messages is not in their best frame of mind.

    Hang on in there honey and keep writing.
    Best Wishes
    Mo

  3. Nicola Says:

    I am no expert on bi-polar , but I would advise you and your husband to go back to the medics and say should I be feeling like this – should this be happening?

  4. puddlejumper Says:

    I hadn’t thought of that, Nicola. Yeah maybe if I ask Mr P to come with me to see the docs.

    And I hadn’t really thought of what he’d done as being a rebellion, Mo. And no, I’m p[robably in no fit state to make big decisions.

    I’ve probably overanalysed the whole thing. I guess I have a tendancy to see things out of all proportion.

    And with Christmas and all everything gets amplified and your days and nights get all mixed up.

    Roll on the New Year and a bit of routine again!

    Thankyou everyone for all the support.

    (AGAIN)
    x

  5. thordora Says:

    I have that worry all the time, that things aren’t working. because I still feel all those things myself. problem being, my gp admitted he doesn’t really know what to do with bipolar, but then didn’t refer me anywhere.

    So I’m trying to compensate.

    I think our problem is that we expect “normal”, but would we know it even if it smacked us in the head? Likely not.

    I don’t know dude. I really don’t know.

  6. mercurial scribe Says:

    i agree with Nicola. Do not be afraid to make it perfectly clear to your doctor that you are not satisfied with “existing” and you’d like a chance to be able to function.

    i highly recommend the Crazy Meds community. They answer a lot of questions and give great support.

    Essentially, when it comes to medications, you must figure out what you expect. No medication will entirely nullify this disease, but it can enable you to function and live your life.

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