Post Christmas Questions “Do I want a divorce?”

Am I the only married woman who spent Christmas night sleeping alone?

 I once read somewhere that marriage guidance organisations  get their biggest surge in enquiries right after Christmas. 

I may be adding to them.  You see me and Mr P aren’t speaking to each other just now.

I wasn’t going to post anything till after the New Year.  But I’m feeling so crappy and alone just now.  I need to let out some of these feelings.

I had a lovely day on Christmas.  It was as near perfect as it could get.  At various points throughout the day I felt truly content. 

But Mr P wanted to go out and party and I wanted to cuddle up together and so we had a debate about this. 

It wasn’t even a proper fight.  It was a debate.  Is that how lame our marriage has become?  No raised voices, no cups thrown or lashing out with insults.  He just very calmly informed me that he wanted to party.  I had to get to bed reasonably early because I had to drive on Boxing Day.  I told him I had been looking forward to snuggling up with my husband all evening.  I probably looked hurt.  I was hurt.  He was looking gorgeous and he’d spent the whole day treating me like a princess.  Our sex life, as many of you know, has been lacking a bit of late.  But for once it wasn’t my fault we weren’t having any nookie.  I was feeling amorous and looking forward to having some time without the children. 

marriage, the end of a good sex life

But he didn’t feel the same.  The promise of a party was too much for him. 

It really stung me,  that he’d rather go off out with a bunch of people he barely knows than take me to bed.  Am I that unattractive just now? 

Has my Bipolar made me so unloveable that he doesn’t fancy me any more? 

I felt like a desperate clingy girlfriend trying to persuede her new boyfriend to love her.  He made out like I was “always trying to control him”  “that I don’t seem to want him to be happy.”

WTF?

I do. 

But it was Christmas.  I wanted him to be happy with me. 

Is that too much to hope for from the person who said they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you?

All these thoughts went through my head.

And something broke. 

I’m feeling stronger now than I have in a long time.  And I think I realised that this wasn’t the first time I’ve felt pushed away by him.  The difference is that in the past he’s wanted to go off and do stuff (and by that I mean the sort of stuff that makes him happy, whilst not necessarily being my cup of tea) and I’ve put his feeling first and been like “sure okay, I’ll be fine” and then spent hours or days while he’s away, feeling miserable and rejected.

This is a big theme for me.  Rejection.  I’m not sure where it comes from.  I grew up in a stable two parent home.  They still love the bones off each other.  But my whole life I’ve felt no-one really wants me around.

There’s always baggage in any adult relationship right?

I’m just not sure where ours is heading right now.

I feel so little for him just now, it scares me.  I’m not even cross with him.  What happened, that’s just the person he is.  That’s who I fell in love with.  I don’t want to change him, it wouldn’t be fair, it wouldn’t work.  But he really isn’t giving me the impression he’s even that bothered that I’m avoiding him.  He’s acting like he doesn’t really care.

If only he would react somehow.  If he’d try to make it up to me.  If I do mean something to him I really need him to show it.  And soon.  Because the longer this goes on the less love I’m going to have left.

But he didn’t get home till the early hours and then he fell asleep sitting in front of the computer.  I got up early with the kids and he went to bed.  He finally surfaced about 3.30 in the afternoon at which point I disappeared and hid in a book.  I’d spent all day cleaning up the mess from Christmas and taking care of our youngest.  I needed time out.  My friend phoned later last night and when she said did I fancy going round to her’s I jumped at the chance.  I just can’t be around him.  It hurts too bloody much. 

divorce

Lots of people fall out at Christmas.  Sometimes it’s just the booze and the stress.    But by boxing day you’ve made up right?  It’s like a tradition or an old charter or something.

I just have a horrible feeling this is more than a festive tiff.

It feels like we’re so off course. 

Our marriage has been rocky for a while and I can’t help but think that what happened on Christmas night was just the beginning of the end.

Sorry for whining.

I do hope all of you have had a better festive season than me so far…

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18 Responses to “Post Christmas Questions “Do I want a divorce?””

  1. diddue Says:

    hmmm too much stuff… is it too simple if someone need just a party? It could be just a simple thing …( and I hope it for you 😉 ) But if you add a complex meaning to a simple thing, it changes in something complex… woow I need more skill in English!!!! kisses

  2. Nicola Says:

    HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

    Sounds like a fundamental communication breakdown which has just got more and more complicated.

    Feel free to email me if you need to vent.

  3. thordora Says:

    Oh have I been there!

    that sounds exactly like the place we got to right before everything exploded and settled. I threatened to leave him, and he called his parents and talked about moving in with them with the kids and everything.

    It was a horrible fucking time. But it taught us a few things. Sadly, he seems to need a reminder lately. I find he has a LOT of trouble seperating me from the bipolar, and acts like a jackass at the worse possible time. I then shut off, because I don’t want the added crap, or pull a “whatever” ike you’ve described an wallow in my pissedoffness for awhile.

    It’s not contructive, but I get very upset at being considered the problem every single time, esp when he won’t make any attempt at understanding what’s in my head ever.

    I’d be pissed. Christmas is a time for family. He should have realized that. if he couldn’t, maybe it is time for that talk.

    I know I’m not being much help. But I’ve been there, and sometimes freaking out in a “I REALLY mean it this time” way helps.

    Hang in there.

  4. puddlejumper Says:

    Thanks everyone. It really does help to be able to vent on these pages! It maybe sounds to some people like a little problem but I think it’s more a symptom of what’s going on in our marriage just now. It has been such a tough year. All I know is that I’m going to try not to rush into (or out of) anything just yet.

    We had been out earlier in the evening. But this row happened at 1 in the morning, I was tired, we were on our way home…but he just wanted to drop me home and go off on his own to some stupid party. I felt like a cheap escort, not his wife.

    I’ve put the barriers up big time now. Not intentionally, and we did at least talk about it today. He says he’s sorry and I genuinely think he is but I feel just now like he’s always going to want to do the party thing and sometimes right now I need to rest.

    And yes. It was Christmas. Any other time of the year (and this has happened on occasion) I’d have been like okay, have fun and meant it.

    But I didn’t want to feel like his “date” to be dropped off home before the real fun happens on Christmas night of all times.

    I’m sleeping in our son’s room just now (the son is away at his dad’s for a few days).

    I need space.

    I guess I am “whatevering”.

    Sadly I’m not even sure he “gets” why it upset me so much.

  5. feartheseeds Says:

    Wouldn’t this be whinging? I’m still confused about that.

    “I once read somewhere that marriage guidance organisations get their biggest surge in enquiries right after Christmas.”

    So… are you going to call? If you’re serious, and I know you are, then maybe make the call. Set up an appointment, tell Mr. WTFP that this is meant as a way to SAVE the relationship. If he wants it to continue here’s the roadmap.

    At some point there has to be a reckoning… there has to be a stand (I think I remember that from Braveheart). If you’ve decided that now is enough, and you know you have, then do something about it. Seek professional help and try to save your marriage, or say FUCK THIS and start planning for a life without P. You’ve got the education, you’ve got the brain power to do either. You are not weak, stop walking around thinking you are. I still think the two of you need to sit down and have the “we can’t have Manic Sex anymore” talk… that might be a place to start.

    But remember this: Your mental health comes first. If all he wants to do is fuck and party then maybe that’s it…

  6. If I'd Known Then Says:

    The point of marriage, I’m sorry to have to tell you, is to keep people from running away from one another after the children come.

    Not trying to sound unsympathetic or flip but if If you’d wanted a relationship you shouldn’t have had kids.

    Good luck.

  7. Nicola Says:

    Keep talking – not arguing – but talking – let him know how he made you feel ………… maybe he needs to understand more about how things affect your self esteem , what things trigger episodes , or can cause crisies in your self confidence and self esteem.

    Hang on in there …………..

  8. If I'd Known Then Says:

    O.K., maybe my last post was a bit on the cynical side but what I was getting at was that few people today, it seems to me, are prepared for the sharp curtailment of their freedom that comes with children.

    I don’t know you or your husband but unless he’s just a total cad, which I somehow doubt or you wouldn’t have married him, that’s where the party impulse came from — a rebellion of sorts.

    Agree with Nicola — Hang on in there …

  9. puddlejumper Says:

    Thanks. No I don’t think it’s cynical. I already have a failed marriage behind me and the last thing I want to do is put my kids through anything like that again.

    No-one really prepares you for how tough marriage can be sometimes.

    And this illness clouds everything.

    Today has been a bit better.

    My parents are visiting for a few days so it’s kind of forcing us to rub along. There’s still a lot of love there.

    He’s my best friend and I don’t want to lose him.

    Trying my best to hang in there.

  10. thordora Says:

    More than anything, my idiot IS my bestest friend-I find it helps at these times to remember what it is that makes them lovable-for me, it’s the fact that mine will always try to brighten my day (and usually succeed) and that he’s such a great father.

    Sometimes we forget what’s good about them when things go for shite. It’s so hard.

    Find your footing first dear.

  11. If I'd Known Then Says:

    I honestly think that marriage probably always required an effort Puddlejumper, but that one of the things making it harder today is that we in the (civilized?) West live in a world of “options”…

    The purpose of a job is to lead to a better job; a better relationship is always just a phone call to a lawyer away. This kind of thinking would make it hard for anyone to be truly content with their present life choices.

    But, I think for most people it turns out to be a false hope. You’ve had one “failed marriage”, (your words). Perhaps you should recalibrate your expectations.

  12. If I'd Known Then Says:

    Oh, and post script:

    A divorce lawyer once told me that the success rate for marriage counseling is 2 percent of couples who seek it, (at least in the US).

    Often it’s just a post-rationalization of a decision that’s already been made — “Well, I did try” — kind of thing.

  13. puddlejumper Says:

    Gee… Thats inspiring

    😦

  14. If I'd Known Then Says:

    I’m sorry. I do know what you’re going through but in my own defense — When you post your troubles online you should expect certain assholes out here to tell you things you might not want to hear, (as long as they’re polite and well intentioned).

    Question PJ. Are any of the children also his?

  15. puddlejumper Says:

    They aren’t his biological children. However, he has been the father figure in their lives for several years

    (there is a fair bit about all this in earlier posts, you are welcome to read but I fear you may be even more outraged)

    I’m not really sure how your question is relevant?

  16. If I'd Known Then Says:

    I hope I’m not coming off as outraged but maybe I am betraying a slight bias, for lack of better word, towards Mr. P. Again, not knowing anything about it, (this is the curious thing about these blogs: they’re really none of one’s business and yet one’s often compelled to comment), I have to say he seems like a pretty good man to me —

    You might agree that helping care for three (?) children not technically his own could introduce an element of complexity into things. Many men, quite frankly, would rather stay away from that. He must really love you and I just think you look at that before you call it quits.

  17. puddlejumper Says:

    Don’t worry. As you can see from my more recent posts things have turned a corner.

    He is a good man. I just wasn’t able to see that clearly for a little while.

    Its been one heck of a year!

  18. If I'd Known Then Says:

    Yes. Sorry, now I see the recent posts.

    Wise, little puddlejumper … wise!

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